Happy Valentine's Day: Every Love Song Is A Parenthetical Away From Despair

Feb 14, 2012
Originally published on February 14, 2012 10:47 am

Today is February 14 — that means that whether you are ready or not, it is Valentine's Day. And what is most wonderful about Valentine's Day is not its straightforward appreciation of romance and warmth and other similar nonsense, but its tremendous adaptability.

You see, for every heart-shaped box of candy, there is a dark heart fantasizing about throwing a bucket of water on the people canoodling at the restaurant. And for every love song, there is a parenthetical that robs it of its sweetness and makes it the hard-edged, angry, possibly passive-aggressive and resentful ode it has always been on the inside.

"Strangers In The Night (I'm Not Looking For Anything Serious; I'm Really Busy With Work Right Now)"

"When A Man Loves A Woman (He Doesn't Act Like That, Honey)"

"Have I Told You Lately (Not To Do That, Because I'm Pretty Sure We Talked About It Yesterday)"

"You Are So Beautiful (Why Are You So Moody?)"

"Just The Way You Are (, Huh?)"

"Bridge Over Troubled Water (Love Theme From The Gowanus Canal)"

"I Don't Want To Miss A Thing (No Really, This Is FASCINATING)"

"Endless Love (Or At Least It Feels That Way)"

"My Funny Valentine (Maybe Not Funny Ha-Ha)"

"Escape (The Pina Colada Song)"

"Up Where We Belong (Or At Least I Do)"

"(Everything I Do) I Do It for You (Which Is Fine)"

"Love Will Keep Us Together (I Suppose)"

"You Send Me (Jokes Forwarded By Your Aunt)"

"In The Still Of The Night (When You Stop Talking)"

"(I Figured) You'd Be So Easy To Love"

"I Want To Know What Love Is (In Your Opinion)"

"I Just Called To Say I Love You (NO I'M NOT DRUNK YOU'RE DRUNK)"

"Careless Whisper (Suspiciously Long Explanation)"

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