StoryCorps
8:00 pm
Thu November 17, 2011

The Parenting Dance: Hold Tight While Letting Go

Originally published on Fri November 18, 2011 8:09 am

When Sarah Littman took her son, Joshua, to college this fall, it was hard.

"I thought I was gonna cry the whole way back from college," she says during a visit to StoryCorps in New York City. "But I managed to make it until I got home. And then I walked upstairs and I saw your door shut and I just lost it."

Eighteen-year-old Joshua is a freshman at Dickinson College in Pennsylvania. He also has Asperger's syndrome, a form of autism. He and his mother visited StoryCorps in 2006 when he was a seventh-grade honors student having trouble socially.

"Does it bother you to think of home?" Sarah asks her son.

"I miss it," he says. "I miss the dogs and everything. And you, and ... what, wouldn't you miss the dogs?"

Kids with Asperger's can miss social cues — and often have obsessions. For Joshua, it was animals.

But what Joshua really wanted to know was how it was for his mother when she went to college.

"I think I was a lot more excited about leaving home than you were," Sarah says. "I did have some rocky times where I was homesick, but I made some really good friends in college, and that's, I guess that's why I want you to get out of your room. Is it just you've been feeling overwhelmed a bit?"

Joshua is considering not returning to school next semester.

"Yeah, well, I have no idea why am I in college. 'Cause I don't know why I'm there," he says.

Sarah reminded Joshua that he needed to be more open to new experiences.

"Sometimes you have this resistance to trying things and then, when you try them, you end up really liking them," she says. "And really, I just want you to do more of that when you're at college. Just like take that chance."

But how would Sarah react if he failed his classes, he wonders.

"Well, if you came to me first and said, 'Look I'm having a really tough time,' that's one thing," she says. "But if you just sort of announce to me that you failed, then I'd be upset. Because I know how much potential you have. Is there anything you wanna tell me? Or was that a hypothetical question?"

Hypothetical question, he says, calming her fears.

"So, do you think I'll move out of the house when I'm done with college?" Joshua asks. "I don't know, maybe I'll move to Denmark or something."

"Hopefully you won't move so far away that it's really hard for me to come to visit you. You know, I'm really so happy to have you home. I miss you a lot when you're not there," Sarah says.

"Yeah. I miss you as well," Joshua says. "As well as the dogs and everything."

Audio produced for Morning Edition by Michael Garofalo.

Copyright 2013 NPR. To see more, visit http://www.npr.org/.

Transcript

(SOUNDBITE OF MUSIC)

RENEE MONTAGNE, HOST:

Today from StoryCorps, we'll check back in with a family we first heard from five years ago, when Joshua Littman interviewed his mother, Sarah. Joshua has a disorder on the autism spectrum, Asperger's syndrome. Kids with Asperger's can miss social cues and often have obsessions. Joshua's obsession was animals.

(SOUNDBITE OF PREVIOUS RECORDING)

JOSHUA LITTMAN: From a scale of one to 10, do you think your life would be different without animals?

SARAH LITTMAN: I think it would be an eight. I could do without things like cockroaches and snakes.

JOSHUA LITTMAN: Well, I'm OK with snakes as long as they're not venomous. But cockroaches are just the insect we love to hate.

SARAH LITTMAN: Yeah, it really is.

JOSHUA LITTMAN: Did I turn out to be the son you wanted when I was born? Like, did I meet your expectations?

SARAH LITTMAN: You've exceeded my expectations, sweetie. And I'm so lucky to have you as my son.

MONTAGNE: When the Littmans recorded that conversation, Joshua was a seventh-grader having a tough time socially. He is now 18 and in his first semester at college. Joshua is struggling again, and his mother brought him back to StoryCorps in New York. She wanted to talk about what his time away has meant for both of them.

SARAH LITTMAN: I thought I was going to cry the whole way back from college, but I managed to make it until I got home. And then I walked upstairs and I saw your door shut, and I just lost it.

JOSHUA LITTMAN: Well, at least you had the dogs.

SARAH LITTMAN: Well, the dogs aren't my kids, you know.

JOSHUA LITTMAN: But they snuggle with you when you're feeling upset.

SARAH LITTMAN: They do, but it's not quite the same. Does it bother you to think of home?

JOSHUA LITTMAN: I miss it.

SARAH LITTMAN: Yeah.

JOSHUA LITTMAN: I miss the dogs and everything.

SARAH LITTMAN: You miss the dogs?

JOSHUA LITTMAN: And you and - what, wouldn't you miss the dogs?

SARAH LITTMAN: I'd miss the dogs but I think for even political sake, I might say: I miss you, mother - first.

(SOUNDBITE OF LAUGHTER)

JOSHUA LITTMAN: So how was it when you went to college?

SARAH LITTMAN: I think I was a lot more excited about leaving home than you were. I did have some rocky times where I was homesick, but I made some really good friends in college. And that's - I guess that's why I want you to get out of your room. Is it just you've been feeling overwhelmed a bit?

JOSHUA LITTMAN: Yeah.

SARAH LITTMAN: So that's OK. Maybe when you get your feet under the desk a little more, as they say.

JOSHUA LITTMAN: Yeah, well, I have no idea - why am I in college? 'Cause - I don't know why I'm there.

SARAH LITTMAN: Well, remember how a few years ago, you hated sushi?

JOSHUA LITTMAN: Mmm.

SARAH LITTMAN: And now, like, all you ever want to do is eat sushi?

JOSHUA LITTMAN: Mmm.

SARAH LITTMAN: Sometimes, you have this resistance to trying things. And then when you try them, you end up really liking them. And really, I just want you to do more of that when you're at college. Just like, take that chance.

JOSHUA LITTMAN: So how would you react if like, I failed?

SARAH LITTMAN: Failed your classes? Or...

JOSHUA LITTMAN: Failed my classes, failed college?

SARAH LITTMAN: Well, if you came to me first and said look, I'm having a really tough time - that's one thing. But if you just sort of announce to me that you failed, then I'd be upset. Because I know how much potential you have. Is there anything you wanted to tell me?

JOSHUA LITTMAN: What do you mean?

SARAH LITTMAN: Or was that a hypothetical question?

JOSHUA LITTMAN: That was like, a hypothetical question, yeah.

SARAH LITTMAN: OK, all right.

JOSHUA LITTMAN: So do you think I'll move out of the house when I'm done with college?

SARAH LITTMAN: What do you think?

JOSHUA LITTMAN: Well, I don't know; maybe I'll move to Denmark or something.

SARAH LITTMAN: Well, that's where you were telling me that's where people are the happiest, right?

JOSHUA LITTMAN: Yeah.

SARAH LITTMAN: Hopefully, you won't move so far away that it's really hard for me to come to visit you. You know, I'm really so happy to have you home. I miss you a lot when you're not there.

JOSHUA LITTMAN: Yeah. I miss you as well and - as well as the dogs and everything.

SARAH LITTMAN: Yeah. Make sure you do write to me, OK, because I love you and I worry about you. Make your old mom's life a little easier. Deal?

JOSHUA LITTMAN: Mm-hmm.

SARAH LITTMAN: All right.

(SOUNDBITE OF MUSIC)

MONTAGNE: Sarah Littman with her son, Joshua, at StoryCorps in New York. See an animated version of the Littmans' first interview, at npr.org.

(SOUNDBITE OF MUSIC) Transcript provided by NPR, Copyright NPR.

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